Having a miscarriage was one of my worst fears, and unfortunately, it came true with my first child. I thought something was wrong with me or that it was my fault, and it broke me.
However, along this journey, I have received incredible advice and have been able to move forward and heal my broken heart.
Having a miscarriage is more common than you think. 1 in every 4 women experiences a miscarriage.
Someone you know probably has had a miscarriage but has kept it quiet.
Many don’t share about their miscarriage because our society has made it this big taboo thing. However, you deserve to be heard.
A miscarriage is not your fault. There is not something you did that caused this.
A miscarriage is purely a chromosomal error. It possibly means your baby would not survive or have many complications in life. It could also have potentially saved your life. Maybe this pregnancy may have caused many complications for you as well. While there are so many possibilities for why you had a miscarriage, it was never ever your fault.
Best Advice Given
Here is some of the best advice for someone who just experienced a miscarriage.
Take Time to Grieve
Grieve as long as you need. There is no set amount of time one should grieve.
Just as one would lose a child after they were born, this is your child too. This deserves time to grieve and heal from.
Take time off from work and other responsibilities if needed, and simply focus on yourself.
Grieve the way you need. Just because someone talks through their problems doesn’t mean it works for you.
Some ways to grieve include:
- Working out
- Talking it through
- Getting mad
- Binge-watch a show
- Go for lots of nature walks
Everyone is different and will need their own things. Do what works for you.
No matter how long it may take to grieve fully, it will get easier, and things will get better.
Not taking time to grieve this process may hurt you more in the long run.
If you need to keep this miscarriage private, that is okay too. Sometimes grieving alone is easier than with a group of people. Do what works best for you, not what other people need.
I made the mistake of prioritizing other’s needs before my own, and it prolonged the process and made it more painful. Take care of yourself and your partner first.
You’re Not Alone
Your partner is suffering too. They lost a child just like you.
Share your experience and your feelings with your partner or spouse. This will help you not feel so alone and will make your marriage stronger than ever before.
Going through losing a child to miscarriage with my spouse helped us build a stronger marriage. It was incredible how much closer we were after this experience.
Work on Self Compassion
While it is not your fault, it may feel like it. Sometimes you’ll catch yourself thinking back to everything you did to try to pinpoint where you made a mistake.
But you didn’t make a mistake. You didn’t fail your child.
When you notice your thoughts going to a negative place, it is time to work on your self-compassion.
I have found positive affirmations to be life-changing. Some examples that helped me overcome my own miscarriage include:
- I did nothing wrong
- My body is incredible
- It is not my fault
- I will overcome this
- I am a good mom
- I can make it through this hard time
Just as you take time to heal from the physical pain, you also need to heal emotionally. Positive affirmations and self-talk help to do just that.
It’s Okay not to be Okay
So many people try to hide their pain and try to make it seem like they are okay. But it is perfectly fine not to be okay.
It’s normal to get upset, even at random times. It’s okay to break down crying every now and then.
Let it all out. Allow all your emotions to come and go as they please. Take this time to not be okay.
Honor That Child
This will always be your child, so honor them. In many cultures, they plant a tree for their child’s birth. Even though this was not the birth you expected, you can still plant a tree in their honor.
Giving that precious baby of yours a name also allows you to grieve as well.
We named our child Maitu, which in Tahitian means moonlight, as we saw a full moon as we wept outside the hospital when we found out we lost our baby.
You can even celebrate their birthday throughout the years as well. The first couple of years will probably be rough, and that’s okay. But over time, it will get easier.
Celebrate the Blessings
This one is a hard one, but it was so important for me to heal from my miscarriage.
Try to think of the good that came from this experience.
This experience helped me be more intentional with my children and find joy in the everyday life of being a mom.
It also helped me focus on what is most important in life and focus on my self-esteem and self-worth more.
Maybe this will help you become healthier and have better pregnancies in the future. Or, save more money to be better prepared.
Try to find at least one blessing in this excruciating experience.
Write a Letter to Your Baby
Writing has incredible benefits. Try writing a letter to your baby.
Share your feelings, hopes, and dreams. Let everything out. This will be very therapeutic for you.
If it is too painful, destroy the letter afterward. Just the act of writing can help you learn about your emotions and healthily release them.
If you are going through a miscarriage, know you are not alone. Your family and friends are there to help you, along with many women you have gone through similar experiences.
Hopefully, these tips will help you heal from this painful experience and move forward with hope.
Aloha! I am a mama of 3 little ones. All my life I wanted to be a mom. When I was pregnant with my first, I had to stop working. So, I created a blog to help me be a stay-at-home mom all the while supporting my family as well. I am working towards my master’s degree so I can become a family therapist. My goal is to become a virtual therapist. My blog helps me accomplish my goal somewhat right now! I love to help mamas and wives find their true identities and potential.